Why it's so hard to unmask my autism in my church leadership calling

Why it's so hard to unmask my autism while being in the Stake Presidency or elsewhere. 

(stake presidency is a a leadership group in my church for those of you who are not members of my church)

Acting autistic gets negative responses. 

(See this video I made if you want to know what I mean by acting autistic https://youtu.be/8iWwRzcG8-g )

As I try to unmask I still get people thinking I'm weird, unfriendly, awkward. Even for things like temple recommend interviews (which kill me by the way, I have to mask so hard I'm dead for a couple of days after)

I do love people but between the small talk, eye contact, checking my posture, facial expressions, tone of voice to make sure I'm communicating warmth. It takes a lot of energy for me. I love the people in our stake but they don't see it when I act my autistic self.

People want to feel loved by people in the Stake Presidency and we've coded acting autistic as someone who doesn't care. It's hard because I feel this way everywhere I go as a member of the stake presidency. 

Please Please Please just know that I love you even if I'm not good at small talk or having the right facial expression.

(this post will probably get another group of people asking President Carroll if I'm okay which is okay but, I'm okay and I will do it for as long as the lord wants me to whether that be a release sooner or later)

Teaching is a whole other thing which is also exhausting as well, but both together, my brain is literally foggy a lot of the time.