There are a few changes to protect certain people's anonymity.

This is my last attempt to talk about AuDHD so I apologize for hijacking your lives with what must seem as trivial to you. I know everybody has a lot going on. But for some reason I need to explain. Honestly I just need to be heard and I thank you for your attention for the next few minutes.

I’ve felt a need to talk about it personally with all my closest friends which is a small list. I have been public about it on facebook but I have only talked about it personally with a few important people. 

So right now I’m known as the weirdo who’s weirdly obsessed with autism and can’t stop talking about it. Honestly a weirdo with an obsession is the most stereotypical autistic thing you can think of, so whatever. 

Question I’m sure is why? What the heck? Where did this come from? Why is it important to him to bring this up to us? Why does captain crunch have eyebrows on his hat?  Let’s go through it topic by topic

Can I be real a second? For just a millisecond? Let down my guard and tell the people how I feel a second?- Alexander Hamilton

You should forget about it- 

What’s the big deal? just let it go back to the way things were

This will not happen and let me tell you why

I’m not doing very well, I don’t know that I ever have. I have struggled in many ways for a long, long time. It’s easy to say that this is just depression, anxiety or exhaustion, antidepressants have helped in a big way  and yet just doing life and getting through each school year is a major major issue for me. 

If you tell me I should just let things go back to the way they were, that sucks for me and is really untenable because in many ways it feels worse every year.

Just a month ago I was having scary thoughts about self harm

Ignoring problems doesn’t make them go away. You can watch my analysis of Encanto here to understand why that is https://youtu.be/oyfcuL15q8Y The Grandmother wanted to ignore the problems and those who brought them up were causing them in her mind.

Labels- We don’t need no stinkin labels!

I’m not sure what the fear is of labels we all seem to be okay with all of the following labels:

Depression, Anxiety, OCD, Diabetes, Multiple Sclerosis, ADHD, etc..  

Why does the autism label have such a stigma?

See also my blog post that I wrote on this here:

https://www.jeffbrownsclassroom.com/blog-posts/neurodivergent-blog-posts/to-label-or-not-to-label 

I understand the concern about labeling includes some of the following below

Confirmation Bias

I know that one of the fears of labeling yourself is confirmation bias. Believe me I’m aware of the problems of this. I made a video about it last month here: https://youtu.be/GBi5Cj21b1I

The worry is that once you label yourself everything is seen through that lens when it may not fit, and you ignore any contrary evidence,

I have been warning myself about this since I started looking into things!

That’s why I have been skeptical about things for a while. 

There is also worry that once I label myself I would start to exaggerate my characteristics or act more autistic due to confirmation bias and self labeling. 

I’m aware of this problem also

Everyone is a bit Autistic

This is a lot like telling someone 

• who is depressed that everyone gets sad sometimes so they get it

• Who has OCD that I’m a little OCD because I like to keep things organized

• Who has anxiety that they just need to learn to stop worrying like I do

• Who has a broken leg that they once got hurt their leg and got a bruise so they get it, also why do you need those crutches, I didn’t need anything

• Who has ADHD that I forget things to so why do you need to have accommodations?

Having some autistic traits is NOT  the same thing as being autistic

My autism is all pervasive in my life and always has been even if I haven’t always been aware. It’s kinda like when I got glasses for the first time. I had no idea how bad my vision was until I got them. 

Imagine the following: 

I had an amazing talk with a friend a year ago on her OCD and I think she is amazing with how much pain she has to deal with. Around that time I learned a lot about OCD and learned how debilitating and how much suffering goes on around it. 

Imagine the following. 

Friend: I have OCD

Me: I’m a little OCD myself, I like to keep my house super organized:

Friend: No it’s extremely debilitating and affects every aspect of my life

Me: *Blink* It’s probably just a personality thing, everyone's a little OCD.

Me: Just stop thinking about it, you’ll be fine

Starting with Self Diagnosis

All late diagnosed ADHD and Autistics start out by necessity self diagnosed. The official diagnostic process really just builds on this through surveys and asking questions of the individual. This is the same with depression if many of you remember when you got diagnosed.  

I have taken a well respected online self test called the RAADS here https://www.autistichub.com/raads-r-autism-online-test-questionnaire-pdf/

Everything above 65 is considered autistic 

I scored 150

There are so many other things that fit also. I’ve also talked with officially late diagnosed AuDHDers and many of them told me that I fit quite perfectly and match their own characteristics almost exactly. 

I am planning on getting an official diagnosis. I will go to the doctor next week for other reasons and I’m asking about this.

it’s dependent on 2 things

• How much it costs is the big one. 

• Finding the right place

Most later diagnosed people who got the official diagnosis knew well beforehand and got the diagnosis often to convince others around them such as friends and family. 

You don’t know as much as you think you do about autism

Heck I didn’t know a lot of what I do now even 1 year ago while having an officially diagnosed daughter. 

A lot of the knowledge of autism (especially late diagnosed) has grown in just the last two years from well researched and respected sources. 

A lot of what I thought I knew are since disproved stereotypes including

• Lack of empathy (often they are hyper empathetic)

• Unable to read people

• Are easy to spot or see

• Look like the other people you know who are autistic

If you really want to learn more about it I suggest a couple of reputable resources such as
https://neurodivergentinsights.com/  

There is also a podcast that two AuDHD therapists do that I have been listening to here: 

https://www.divergentpod.com/ 

Even many therapists and professionals are often working on past information and thoughts. 

We had the same problem when getting Geneva diagnosed. The professionals who worked with Geneva were unaware that girls present autism differently (common knowledge now) So we had to educate them. It has since been known that late diagnosed often don’t look the same as the stereotype. 

Why is this important for me to live better?

Much of my ongoing symptoms seem to be more the result of Autistic Burnout. It's very, very common among high masking autistics like myself. 

While in burnout autistic symptoms often seem worse, which my wife has noticed. 

Getting better from this is not the same as getting treatment for depression. Much of it is around just being aware of stressors, making lifestyle changes and learning to unmask my autism.  

https://neurodivergentinsights.com/autism-infographics/autism-and-burnout 

Unmasking and why I need to (and what this has to do with you)

I learned from a young age that certain social behaviors get punished socially. (I got bullied a lot in school) I learned to hide a lot of traits that are seen as quirky and weird but are really autistic traits. This doesn’t make them go away. 

These are mostly small things but seem like a big deal to me. (like not hiding my stimming like I used to by using fidget toys instead of picking my neck, and playing with my ring)

A lot of it is just being okay with the fact that I will never be able to do as much stuff as others, I’ve tried all my life and keep ending up in burnout over and over again. The only reason why I’m probably still alive is because of summer vacations for teachers.  

Telling my close friends and family has felt like an important part of the process to me and is why I’ve brought all of you into this.; If you prefer I wait until an official diagnosis I will let you know. 

I’m making some changes to my life and telling all of you this has been part of that.