Autism has made me allergic to socializing. Yes, really.

One of the most challenging aspects of truly seeing others is being able to look beyond our own experiences.

For example:

People who have never been depressed think that depression means sadness

People who have never been poor think that being poor means laziness

I’m allergic to socializing literally. Okay, maybe not literally, but metaphorically in a literal way. Meaning that I get literally sick from socializing like an allergic reaction. So, as you can see, it’s a literal metaphor.

I left early from a friend's house one night without explanation. My wife told me later that she tried to explain to them that I get sick from socializing, and that this seemed puzzling to them. I’m not sure how they personally interpreted this, but I do know that many people can have a tendency to interpret things they don’t understand in negative ways.

The best thing I’ve been able to do to help people understand is to put you inside my autistic brain for a second.

I warn you it’s going to be rather scary, so prepare yourself.

When I’m in a conversation, this is my brain. (then keep reading below)

Click on the picture to get a zoomable image

I invite you to take a close look at the flow chart. Click on it and zoom in.

You see, my brain doesn’t have the socializing app installed that neurotypical brains have. I’ve had to write the code myself, and it takes tons of operating memory and space. It makes my brain literally go into overdrive.

You have literally no idea how much stuff your brain automates for you due to your socializing app. From facial expressions, to hand motions, to eye contact, to interpreting all of those things in the other person. From knowing when it’s your turn to speak to knowing how long to stay on a topic, to knowing when it’s okay to veer off topic, or when you are speaking too long, and when they expect you to speak. All of those things are automated in a neurotypical brain. In an autistic brain, we don’t naturally have that.

Some of us have learned through observation and practice how to do this ridiculously complex and intricate dance, but it’s all done consciously, which means it pushes our brains past their limits.

The idea of pushing a brain past its limits is foreign to most neurotypicals, as they can usually just stop thinking about something that may push their brain. It’s not for things that we are forced to do every day, such as talk to someone at the store or at work. We’ve learned to ignore our exhaustion and just keep going. Partly it’s because we aren’t even aware of why we are so tired all of the time. Everyone else seems fine, so what is wrong with us is such a mystery.

This pushes us into burnout, and when I’m in burnout (like the last two years) if I socialize too long, then I will literally feel like I have the flu. My body will shake, I’ll get the chills, I will be exhausted, and it will be hard for me to move. Sometimes it’s difficult for me to drive home from school, even though I’m currently working part-time due to this.

The best thing we can do when someone describes something we are unfamiliar with is not to shut them down or judge them, but to get curious. Get curious about someone who is experiencing a part of life that you are unfamiliar with. You will be surprised at what you learn.

This is one of the many things I talk more extensively about in my book Seeing Humanity: Learning to See with an Autistic High School Teacher.

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